The Subtle Ways We Take Our Partners for Granted (And How to Fix It)
It’s easy to cherish our partners in the early days of a relationship, but over time, familiarity can lead to complacency. Without realizing it, we may begin to overlook their efforts, assume their presence, or fail to express gratitude. This subtle erosion of appreciation can create distance and resentment, even in the most loving relationships.
In this post, we’ll explore how we unconsciously take our partners for granted, why it happens, and, most importantly, how to rebuild a foundation of gratitude and connection. By recognizing these patterns and making small yet meaningful shifts, we can foster a relationship that remains strong, fulfilling, and deeply connected.
The Silent Drift in Relationships Over time, many couples experience a shift from intentional appreciation to unintentional neglect. Life’s demands—work, parenting, and daily responsibilities—often take center stage, leaving little room for expressing gratitude or recognizing our partner’s contributions.
Common Signs of Taking a Partner for Granted:
Assuming they will always be there without acknowledging their presence.
Failing to notice or appreciate their everyday efforts, such as household chores or emotional support.
Expecting love and care without reciprocating in meaningful ways.
Dismissing their needs or minimizing their contributions.
Prioritizing external commitments over quality time with them.
Clients often share concerns about feeling unseen or undervalued in their relationships. Many describe a gradual shift where their partner once expressed gratitude and admiration but now interacts more out of routine than affection. Over time, this can lead to emotional disconnection, dissatisfaction, and even resentment.
My Therapeutic Perspective: From a psychological standpoint, taking a partner for granted is often unintentional. The brain naturally adapts to routine, and what once felt special becomes expected. Attachment patterns and early relational experiences can also shape how we express appreciation—or fail to do so.
Many couples get caught in cycles of unspoken expectations. One partner may assume that their efforts are obvious and don’t need acknowledgment, while the other longs for validation. This gap in communication fosters resentment and emotional disengagement.
From an emotionally focused therapy (EFT) perspective, partners seek secure bonds, and feeling unappreciated can trigger deeper fears of rejection or inadequacy. Narrative therapy highlights how couples shape stories about their relationships—if the dominant narrative becomes one of neglect or being taken for granted, it impacts the way partners relate to each other.
Terry Real, in his book Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, discusses how couples often fall into patterns of unconscious neglect, where small moments of disconnection accumulate over time. He emphasizes the importance of "relationship cherishing"—actively nurturing and appreciating your partner rather than passively assuming their presence. Real argues that true intimacy requires moving from individualistic thinking (“me” vs. “you”) to a team mindset (“us”), where both partners prioritize the well-being of the relationship itself.
To counter this, intentionality is key. Shifting from unconscious neglect to conscious appreciation helps rekindle connection and fosters a more emotionally attuned relationship.
Rebuilding Appreciation in Your Relationship
Practice Daily Gratitude:
Make a habit of verbally expressing appreciation for small and large gestures.
Keep a gratitude journal where you note one thing your partner did each day that made a difference.
Create Rituals of Connection:
Schedule regular check-ins to express appreciation and reconnect.
Establish rituals like morning coffee together, weekly date nights, or evening gratitude reflections.
Shift Perspective:
Imagine your life without your partner for a moment—what would you miss most?
Reflect on the ways they enhance your life and express that to them.
Acknowledge Their Love Language:
Recognize how your partner gives and receives love—whether through words, acts of service, gifts, quality time, or physical touch.
Show appreciation in a way that resonates with them.
Reframe Complaints into Requests:
Instead of criticizing what they don’t do, express what you would appreciate more of.
Example: Instead of “You never help around the house,” try “It would mean a lot to me if we could share housework more evenly.”
Reconnect with Curiosity:
Ask open-ended questions to rediscover your partner’s evolving thoughts, dreams, and feelings.
Take interest in their day-to-day experiences beyond logistical conversations.
Conclusion: Every relationship requires ongoing care and intentionality to remain fulfilling. By recognizing the subtle ways we take our partners for granted and actively practicing appreciation, we can create deeper emotional intimacy and long-lasting connection.
If you’re feeling disconnected from your partner and would like personalized support in strengthening your relationship, I invite you to schedule a consultation. Let’s work together to build a partnership that thrives.
Reference: Real, T. (2022). Us: Getting past you and me to build a more loving relationship. Goop Press.
